I Can Hear Myself Think



Okay, well, we might as well just jump right into it, shouldn’t we?  These are my jumbled, rambling, kooky, theraputic (for me) thoughts from the past few weeks.  They have given me comfort and I am hoping that by sharing them with you, I can perhaps bring a smile to your face-


  1. Ten HUT!  My boobs can predict the weather.  I feel aches in my chest when it’s about to rain, seriously.  I am rather proud of this new talent!
  2. Pumping tea bags and slicing bagels.  I notice, that even seven weeks post-surgery, that we use our breast muscles (pecks?!?) to do SO much-even squeezing out a tea bag on the side of a mug requires muscles in that area.  And it’s still sensitive.  Same with slicing bagels.  You might be astonished to know how much boob force is used to do this.  This will be my earliest form of exercise, to make myself feel better-I will make a cup of tea and slice a bagel and say I worked out.  Then call it a day.  Boy, that was a tough workout and much harder than zumba.
  3. We are family-We are incredibly lucky that Sachie left only 4 weeks delayed to post.  It could have been 6 months, a year, or even longer.  Only four weeks?  This all has happened so flipping quickly but in the end, Sacha’s professional timeline hasn’t been affected much by it.  And yes, focusing on our family and my healing is most important.  But the reality is that we also have to make sure that Sacha has a job.  And I am so thankful that his work wasn’t affected much by all of this.  
  4. Can you turn up the volume, please?  Every parent, and particularly every mother yearns for peace and quiet, right?  And a clean house?  Haven’t we all had those moments where you just want to stuff the dirty socks that were left on the floor down the garbage disposal?  Or better yet, stuffed into a roast tenderloin?!?!  And haven’t we all begged for five minutes peace while sitting on the toilet as some child (yours, whoopsie) is banging on the bathroom door??  And has anyone had the following thought-Did my children multiply or are they REALLY as loud and raucous as a band of drunk tuba players???  Well, yes, I have, in fact, had all of those pondering reflections.  And now that I am sitting here by myself in a glistening, shiny new “tiny house” as Zoë calls it, I don’t want it.  Yup, I don’t want any little bit of this all-to-quiet, not-at-all-cluttered, no-kids-stuff lying around including Petshops and Polly Pockets to fall over, no tighty-whitey’s of my dear husband’s on the bathroom counter, no empty beer bottles, no sticky juice boxes, no crumbled Goldfish snacks all over the kitchen floor, NOTHING.  And I don’t flipping want it!  I want all of the chaos and craziness back.  I am sure my girls are running circles around Sacha at this very moment and I want to be there, too.
  5. Processing for Peace-I still need to process the past two months and find some peace in all of it.  I had no idea I had cancer even in late May.  June 3rd, I was diagnosed and less than two weeks later, I had my operation.  Then there was the recuperation and in the midst of it all, we were re-arranging our early July move to El Salvador to early August with just the girls.  And I am doing just that right now.  In between watching Olympic synchronized swimming and Million Dollar Listings on Bravo.  Btw, who knew that Judge Judy is STILL on?     
  6. Fast forward, damn it!!!  I cannot WAIT for late September!  I am scheduled for surgery to finish reconstruction on September 18th and my doctor has said that I could leave, if all goes according to plan, even 10 days-two weeks later.  Fingers crossed!  This second operation is much less invasive than the first and recovery is supposed to be pretty quick.  My Mum (Nurse Mo!) arrives on September 13th and will stay till the 24th.  And then I hope to fly soon after to be reunited with Sachie and the girls who left here on August 6th.   Come on, September!
  7. Skype Saves Lives-What the heck would I do without Skype?  I really don’t know.  I Skype the girls at least once a day and if I have my choice, twice a day.  Or even three.  They look amazing.  They are happy and healthy and they love the new (big!) house and thank goodness our lifesaver babysitter, Danielle, also flew with Sacha and the girls!  My girls adore her and she knows them so well and all of their routines, it is such a relief for me.  I am beyond grateful.
  8. Mama Can’t Stop Crying-Thank goodness kids gets easily distracted.  Their sadness is temporary, and I am so thankful for this!  Even if they are feeling blue that I am not there, they quickly focus on something else-their new beds, a flower in the garden, a new room to discover in the house.  I will happily take ALL of their sadness so that it means they are happy and healthy and not thinking about missing me.  Me, on the other hand, well, I’ve been a bit of a hot mess.  I am doing much better every day, but man oh man, this has been the hardest week of my life.  Sending them off to a country of which I am totally unfamiliar, having my whole LIFE fly off on that plane, whoa.  I have never been one to feel too anxious about flying but this time was different.  The girls have never, ever flown without me.  I was terrified that something would happen to that plane!  My Mum actually told me to take a shot of whiskey.  I was that freaked out.  I am still somewhat weepy but luckily, I have recovered a bit in the past couple days. 
  9. It’s not what you think-The cleaning ladies here probably think I am a raging alcoholic.  The girls and Sacha left on Monday and that afternoon, I realized that I had forgotten a bottle of vodka and a bottle of gin in the cabinet of our old apartment.  I couldn’t just leave them, right????  And the door to our old place was still ajar from when we left.  My new place was just down the halls, so I walked down to the old place and when I realized no one was there, I gingerly opened the door and tiptoed into the kitchen to retrieve the bottles.  Now, granted, I was still looking pretty rough-still sniffling and teary-eyed and those bottles were about half-full each.  And as I wandered back to my new place, I happened to come across a cleaning lady in the hall who took one look at me and very boldly, shaking her head as she said to my ever-so slightly-guilty-looking face, “Oh NO, you don’t go and get DRUNK.”   Me-“Ummm, No!  It’s just, well, I lived there and I forgot …oh never mind.”  I realize I looked bad here.  And can you believe I did the same thing the following day, swear to goodness.  I had asked Sacha to put the four remaining bottles of Hoegaarden beer into my new fridge from our old place and in all of the madness of them leaving, I think he forgot.  And on Wednesday evening, two full days after they left, I was going to a happy hour at our grill by the pool and I realized this.  That the Hoegaarden beers were still in our old fridge!  And I knew that the door to our old place was STILL ajar.  So I crept back down the hall and into the old apartment and low and behold, they were still there in the old fridge.  Of course, I had NOT brought a bag with me, I was super sleek and smart and just scooped them all into my arms and then I stopped.  I had heard someone pushing something down the hall (the front door was still ajar) and it stopped right outside the front door.  And of course, I was pretty much standing there in the darkened kitchen because I hadn’t turned the light on.  Feeling awfully culpable and delinquent.  And then the freaking door slowly started to open.  I almost screamed!  And the poor young maintenance guy who had pushed the door open almost jumped out of his skin and so did I.  And here I was, looking like a cat with its’ paw in the fishbowl once again.  Terribly guilty looking!  And being the incredibly put-together and calm person I am, I stuttered and blurted out, “Oh no, it’s NOT what you think-I LIVED here and this is MY beer, and, oh, never mind.”  I looked like a crazy lunatic.   And then I shuffled away with my beer clutched to my chest.  Which I couldn’t feel because my boobs are numb.  I don’t even LIKE beer normally.  Well, unless it’s Hoegaarden.  Then I pretty much love it.  Here we go again….. 
  10. I love you, man-I love, love you all, dear friends and family, and I am so grateful for your love and support.   I couldn’t get through this ordeal without you.  I have heard from folks all over the globe as well as right down the street and I would be a sniveling, sorry mess if it weren’t for you all.  I thank you from the bottom of my weepy little ‘ol heart! Image

9 responses »

  1. Me too love the beer story, hysterical! You hang in there with your sense of humour, this has got to be so hard at times, you have lots of hugs coming your way from us. We are traveling and will be back in the area on the 28 th! Xoxoxoxo

  2. Oh my god, I love that you can still laugh through all of this! One of the best qualities a person can have (in my opinion) is not taking themselves too seriously and I’m glad you have that wonderful trait! Thinking of you!

  3. tara! hugs from bowie. know that i think of you often. get well, stay positive and laugh as much as possible. remember, the next time we see each other it will be with our signature drinks! (smile)

  4. Tara, thank you for sharing this! I’m glad to know you are continuing on the road to recovery. I know the girls must miss you heaps, and will be so happy to see you – we are in September now!!!

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